someone asked me to define happiness
i looked at her and smiled
i was almost ready to answer
but when i opened my mouth,
no words came out
i realized that the problem didn’t lie in my voice box
and instead, it was hidden behind my thoughts
Much have happened in the span of two years after my elementary.
I’m the cheerful and outgoing type of student during my elementary years. I pretty much grew up in a religious atmosphere considering my school was a Baptist one (kind of ironic huh since I’m a true-born catholic). Anyways, words like “baliw” are considered bad. What more with the really bad ones? (if you get what I mean). It was just really a small school, with the range of 12-15 as the average number of students per grade. Really small, right? Well, having only 11 classmates had its perks. We were really close considering the even number of boys and girls in our class (it was kind of amazing because that stayed for 3 years, from gr4-gr6). We get to play any time available - before and after classes, even recesses and lunch breaks. We played different kinds of games. No one even cared about going home with uniforms drenching with sweats - lots of them. It was like we were pieces of the big puzzle of life. Every time we were together, that puzzle becomes complete unknowingly. We felt it. We laughed, we cried, we even get mad at each other. But that didn’t break us at all. Those misunderstandings smoothed the edges of our huge puzzle. They became the foundation, the frame and the glue to the puzzle of our elementary life we never thought existed. It was the best and perfect escape to the huge fall down of my life. They were, to be specific.
Yep, you heard me right. WERE. Until six months after graduation came.
Unfortunately, almost all of us went to different schools. We stayed by pair, though. Some went to high school in trios. That was our plan - our very ultimate plan to survive the high school years so that our class won’t break apart and reach the point of awkwardness when (yes! WHEN not IF and IN CASE. we were pretty sure of seeing each other in the middle of high school pressure even when we are apart) we meet each other some time in the future. We even fooled ourselves by having this reunion every month. Well, that worked…for only six months. Eventually, one by one, they started not coming to the reunions holding the excuse of school works (which we can’t really be upset at. school comes first of course and unfortunately). We (four or five students out of twelve) held on to their excuses at first until they didn’t respond to the messages we sent them at all. As weeks and months passed, it came to the point when only me and Joi believed the promise we all made.
I (kind of) hate myself.
They moved on too fast. I don’t know if my growth is just snail-paced or if they just adapted to their new environment well. But either way, it still hurt (hurts?). They found new friends or worst even best friends already, while I’m still trying to swallow everything in the process trying not to choke it in.
Since then, I try not to be too close with anyone, keeping them at arms-length. I try to push the thought of my big puzzle away knowing it was just an illusion like any child would have. I shut the door down even though they haven’t tried opening it yet.
They (books) say that we should learn living in the present, seize every moment and make the most out of it. But guess what, I’ve already mastered the art of shutting people down and the abstract of pushing them away. I’m too weak of risking every thing AGAIN.
Since my freshmen year (and the year before that), I’ve been trying very hard to create a decent blog. And in a few weeks (technically now, since I’m already enrolled), I will already be a junior and still, I haven’t accomplished my pre-high school mission yet.
I welcome you to my blog.
Be it known that this blog would be the cavern of my thoughts, or maybe just my way of spitting my rants out. I am such a contradicting person. Even my thoughts and my interests sometimes (or often) disagree with each other. I tend to push people away and I grew a liking to the habit of shutting people down (sometimes, in a good way).
call me YELL btw *wink wink i wont risk letting anyone know me
I haven’t really realized how much I crave for perfect breakfasts and real mornings, until now.
I woke up at around 5 am and immediately drowned myself in reading, as if I’ve been sucked by the temporary reality the story would offer me. It felt so great that I can’t even find the right words to describe exactly how I felt.
Every single thing about this morning was perfect.
After having been drowned, I ate to my heart’s content. Perfect breakfast. I was eating rice and squids. Ahhhh, seafood! Ecstasy!
While eating, I could sight the sun as it rises, welcoming the world with this phenomenon we call “morning”.
The weather, the breeze, the environment. They are all so perfect.
The surroundings were a bit grayish and the not-so-cold air wrapped my body perfectly. The breeze found its way to my skin, sending goosebumps to my body. The weather was perfect.
While enjoying the phenomenal sight, a cup of chocolate drink was on my hand, sending my inner spirits the heat they absolutely needed that time. Everything seemed so real.
Everything was perfect.
And today is the 2nd day of this year.
ENJOYING IS DANGEROUS.
It has been a while since I last let myself enjoy. I tried, really. But every fucking time, I would regret it in the end. I always feel betrayed after enjoying. I do not want to enjoy. Because every fucking time, I forget reality even just for a while. I DO NOT WANT TO FORGET REALITY. I don’t want to miss things. Because I’m fucking afraid of what I’ll miss. I easily forget things and moments. And I don’t want to forget each of them. But when I do enjoy, I’m kind of forgetting them for a while. And after I enjoyed, I would fucking remember each of them and I would whine or rant or cram or whatever. I hate enjoying knowing that it just means FAKE. When you enjoy, everything you fucking feel is FAKE. It makes you forget about fucking reality and what you need to face. And then in the end, I would be stunned because for the number of fucking times, I let enjoyment betray me again. And I don’t want to be betrayed. I’d rather feel the pain than to forget them. I’m sort of living my life like that for a several years now. I do not really forget my childhood or everything about my past but I do remember some of the fucking moments. At first, I kind of get pained when the fucking memories flash into my mind. But now, I just remember them. I feel numb, I guess. I cry but I don’t feel pained or hurt or whatever. Tears would flow through my cheeks, but that’s all I guess. My body reacts but my mind and my heart don’t. They don’t fucking feel anything. And I don’t know why…but I’m thankful for that.
And all this time I thought I was fearless…
But then you went away and I realized I’m not…
You know everything, right?
Yet you chose to leave us…
Even though you knew…